Rules for Not Getting Reaped Before Your Time
by A'isha Ishtar
Summary: There are things you really shouldn't do in Victorian England. Especially when your friends include some demons, several Grim Reapers, the Earl of Phantomhive, a young Trancy, a demon dog, and an undead puppet. Not to mention a mortician/Reaper boyfriend. After all, when you do things you shouldn't, your Reaper friends may be tempted to cross you off their To Die list early...


**... Yeah. I have too many of these. XD**

**But I haven't seen one for the Kuroshitsuji fandom yet, so I figured why not? These things are fun~!**

**Suggestions for rules are welcome and encouraged! I can't do this all by myself, darlings, and your input is not only valued, it's ****_cherished!_**** :D**

**TITLE SUBJECT TO CHANGE. If anyone has a better title, please give me a suggestion! XD I really don't like this one much, it was the only thing I could think of at the moment.**

**The first rule contains a few references to the Pirates of the Caribbean, so don't worry if you don't get them lol. I hope it's still funny anyway! XD**

**Without further ado, I hope you enjoy the first set~! :)**

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**1. You are NOT the Pirate King of the Caribbean.**  
(YES I AM!)  
(... Er, well, no, I suppose I'm really not. That title belongs to Elizabeth Swann.)  
(My name is actually Birdie! It's quite possibly the weirdest name ever, especially for someone who formerly lived in the 21st century. But at least it allows me to blend in a bit here, eh?)  
(Ah yes, I forgot to mention. Somehow I was sent to the world of _Black Butler/Kuroshitsuji!_)  
(It was a strange set of circumstances, the details of which would probably just bore you right now. But I will tell you that it involved an abused DVD, some lightning, and the smell of fried fangirl.)  
(Next thing I knew, I woke up to Ciel and Sebastian wondering who the hell I was, how the hell I'd gotten here, and if I was okay.)  
(To my utter fangirliness, I had arrived just in time for Madame Red and her "butler" Grell Sutcliff to make their appearance.)  
(My first order of business after Ciel agreed to let me stay in the mansion was probably the most childish and utterly unintelligent one I could think of.)  
(I stole Ciel's eyepatch.)  
(I then paraded around the mansion with an umbrella sword, claiming to be the Pirate King of the Caribbean.)  
(Madame Red giggled at me, and butler!Grell thought I was hilarious and cute in a completely platonic way. Although he did worry about what would happen when Ciel found out.)  
(Which, as it turned out, didn't take long at all.)  
(It was record time in which Sebastian pinned me down to the carpet and tore the eyepatch off.)  
(Then he asked me, rather politely actually which is what scares me, why I thought I had the right to go barging into the young master's room and stealing his personal belongings.)  
(My response?)  
"King~"  
(My punishment was that I had to help butler!Grell wash dishes that night.)  
(I attempted to have a real conversation with him.)  
(He tried to hang himself a total of three times thanks to various things I said.)  
(I sat depressed in the emo corner for the rest of the night.)

**2. Don't touch Finny's flowers. Seriously, don't do it.**  
(Clearly everyone thinks I'm out to get them after the eyepatch incident.)  
(Bardroy's hesitant to let me assist in the kitchen. This coming from a man who's nearly burnt it down several times himself.)  
(Mey Rin always declines to let me help her carry plates, even when she's carrying more than she can handle.)  
(And Tanaka... well, Tanaka has tea parties with me so he's alright. But otherwise Sebastian likes me to please stay out of things.)  
(Butler!Grell tries to cheer me up by offering to let me help him trim the hedges. But that tempts me to grab the gardening shears and proclaim that I have an illegally modified death scythe just like my idol and favoritest Reaper of all time.)  
(That would simultaneously blow his cover and get me killed about as dead as a person can be.)  
(Ciel has forgiven me for the eyepatch incident, so he lets me do as I please... as long as I'm listening to Sebastian.)  
(So normally I just wander about, searching for something to do while trying to avoid Madame Red and her dirty jokes.)  
(One day I noticed Finny had just gone into the kitchen for a drink, so I peeked into the garden.)  
(I saw that there were some flowers in need of planting, so I happily answered the call of duty and went right out to plant those bright little cutie pies.)  
(Not five minutes later Finny came running out, screaming that I'd killed his precious babies.)  
(After seeing that I actually wasn't planting them properly, I tried desperately to apologize. I was only trying to help!)  
(Unfortunately Finny was too upset to listen to anything I had to say.)  
(And, as he doesn't exactly know his own strength... well...)  
(I ended up being tossed through a door.)  
(Literally, the actual door. My body was thrown through it, and broke it.)  
(I also landed on top of Sebastian, who was carrying tea at the time.)  
(Ciel came in to see what all the fuss was about, and was treated to the lovely sight of Sebastian struggling under me as I flailed about trying to get up.)  
(Ciel reacted to the scene about as well as you could expect a 13-year-old Earl to:)  
"I don't want to know."  
(Sebastian has banned me from the garden and forced me to fix the door; while Finny did say he was sorry for hurling me through the door, I'm not sure how long it'll take for Ciel's adolescent brain to realize that I was not, in fact, trying to molest his admittedly hot demon butler.)  
(Plus, the real Grell is probably sharpening his chainsaw for my blood as I speak.)

**3. You and Undertaker are no longer allowed in the same place at the same time if anyone can help it.**  
(WHY, you might ask?!)  
(... Because we're too alike, that's bloody why.)  
(After all this Jack the Ripper shit started, I figured I should probably just keep my mouth shut.)  
(After all, if I opened my big mouth and blew Grell and Madame Red's cover, I'd become one of "Jack's" victims.)  
(And as long as I wanted to be in this universe - not to mention, oh, I dunno, _alive and capable of having children -_ that couldn't happen.)  
(So when we went to Undertaker's funeral parlor, I mostly tried to be quiet.)  
(But when Undertaker began to speak of payment for his information, I perked up a little.)  
(After all, I love a good laugh!)  
(He asked for jokes, and once the others had had their turn telling the most awful jokes in the world, I went out with them as Sebastian told the funeral director his joke.)  
(After they'd all filed out back to the carriage, I snuck inside to find the poor man still laughing like mad.)  
(He only barely managed to look up at me, and I shrugged, saying that I had a funny joke too. I just hadn't gotten the chance to tell it; everyone else I'd told had thought it was juvenile, but I knew that he would be just as appreciative of good humor as I was.)  
(So he told me to hit him with my best shot.)  
"What did one casket say to the sick casket?"  
"What's that, love?"  
"'Is that you coughin'?'"  
(I think we both stood there for a good five minutes, right across from each other, laughing our heads off.)  
(I'd finally found a friend who understood my sense of humor!)  
(He actually decided to make a move on me, if you can believe it! His pick-up line went something like...)  
"What time do you have to be back in heaven? Because I have to be back in a coffin in about six hours."  
(I think I actually fangirled so hard that I have no memory of my reaction to that.)  
(Of course, Ciel had to go and ruin it.)  
(This was when he came inside, took one look at the scene, and had Sebastian drag me out of the shop.)  
(As I was forcibly escorted off the premises, the only thing my brain could come up with to do was hold out my thumb and pinky, then yell...)  
"Undertaker! Call me, maybe~!"

**4. Butler!Grell loves the nickname "Grellybean." Regular Grell... hates it with a burning red passion.**  
(Okay, this one is NOT my fault and I refuse to be blamed for it.)  
(... It's Ciel's fault!)  
(It all started when, after I told everyone where I was from and that they were fictional in my world, Ciel decided I needed an identity and name to keep people from being suspicious.)  
(So after much deliberation, we finally settled on a name that I didn't completely hate.)  
(My new persona was Miss Juliet Durless, Ciel's visiting cousin and Madame Red's adopted daughter.)  
(Apparently before she'd taken me in I'd been an orphan. So meh.)  
(Everyone seems to have a different name for me, after I was evidently renamed.)  
(Sebastian is polite and calls me "Lady Juliet.")  
(Bardroy and Finny call me "Jule.")  
(Madame Red, apparently embracing her newfound motherly role, likes to address me as "Julie, dear~!")  
(Butler!Grell, in all his stuttering shy cuteness, just calls me "M-Miss Juliet.")  
(_HE'S SO ADORABLE! How on Earth can something so cute and shy transform into regular Grell?!_)  
(Come on, you know I had to. Any fangirl in my position would have done the same thing.)  
(Since I got a bunch of nicknames and nobody seems to like butler!Grell enough to give him a nickname, I took it upon myself to do so.)  
(You'd think I would have been smart enough to choose a nice, clever, feminine play on his name. Like Grellsie or Grellinda.)  
(But no, I had to go the "sugary-sweet-not-even-a-real-name-diabetes" road and dub him "Grellybean.")  
(Because he's an adorable little jellybean, and his name is Grell... I can't be the only one who sees this, right?)  
(Right, exactly.)  
(So whenever I did work with him, that's what I'd call him. Then he'd blush and try to stammer something, and I'd fangirl.)  
(Unfortunately... regular!Grell decided to peek out his little head and ruin all my fun.)  
(I woke up in the middle of the night and went downstairs for a drink. Only to find Grell, still in butler!Grell form but smiling maniacally, washing off his chainsaw in the sink.)  
(That wasn't the scary part. The scary part is the stuff he was saying.)  
"If that annoying twat calls me 'Grellybean' one more time, she'll be my next victim. I don't care if she's a prostitute or not. Although with the way she dresses, she may as well be advertising herself as one, the little harlot! One more time, I swear with God as my witness, _one more time_ with that annoying name..."

(The next day and every day after that, I just called him Grell.)  
(Of course, in my mind, he will always be my little Grellybean.)

**5. Sneaking into a coffin will get you everywhere. Also, "everywhere" includes "in hot water."**  
(Can you really blame me?)  
(Undertaker seems like a genuinely nice, if kind of creepy, guy.)  
(The fact that he's insanely hot doesn't exactly hurt, either.)  
(I mean, wouldn't _you,_ given the chance, take him up on his offer to try out one of his coffins?)  
(Seriously, those things are comfy.)  
(I couldn't try one out the last time I was there, as I had been yanked out of his shoppe faster than a cheetah on roller skates.)  
(So... I snuck out.)  
(You know, I'm surprised Ciel doesn't have his mansion guarded at night specifically to prevent stuff like this.)  
(Also, Sebastian sleeps? WTF? This is news to me, but I guess it makes me lucky that he didn't sense me and stop me from leaving.)  
(So I snuck into Undertaker's funeral parlor, although I don't think I did anything wrong because he left the door unlocked.)  
(Clearly he was expecting me! Right? Right!)  
(There were even some candles lit around the place. I think he was preparing for a nice, romantic evening with me.)  
(So I climbed into a coffin and waited.)  
(Did you know his coffins are padded and actually _very_ easy to fall asleep in...?)  
(Well, come morning, the lid was lifted off. Expecting Undertaker ready for a rendezvous, I spouted off some stupid cheesy pick-up line.)  
"If I followed you home, would you keep me?!"

(The person who'd opened the coffin was Sebastian.)  
(For the second time I was forced out of Undertaker's shoppe. This time though, it wasn't all bad... as Sebastian dragged me out and back to the manor, Undertaker leaned over and whispered that since I liked coffins so much, he'd make one especially for me.)  
(And deliver it.)  
(I was a fangirl-y mess the whole way back to the manor.)

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**Lol, poor Birdie can't seem to catch a break with Undy, can she? XD**

**Anyways, suggestions are welcome because I don't currently have any other ideas for more rules. XDD So you'd be doing me a favor!**

**Thanks so much for reading~! ^^**


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